not meeting with anyone doesn't help, neither meeting. for the past week, everything has been going to the bottom again, before that everything seemed fine. or you were wrong.
there is no reason to wake up again, nor to sleep. you were arrested again in your sleep today, you forgot the reason, you looked old. you went to see your children born from different mothers you never cared, they smiled and said goodbye, you didn't blame. "come see me sometimes, the prison is close to you coincidentally" you said with an old drunken attitude. - "Yes, of course!"
life does it's best again, you want to run away from reality and hide in your sleep, it makes it worse, you can't blame. game sets the rules. everything looks so archetypical. you want to shout at the clouds for their metaphors, but what's the use.
every time you try put yourself together and start behaving as if everything is fine, sometimes two or three weeks later, everything falls apart. like a circus performer whose makeup is falling off, you run to the backstage and try to control your emotions. they do what they want to do. they put a belt around your neck and drag you behind them, "do as we say". they pretend not to see you.
you want to run away and disappear in another corner of the world. you don't want to see anyone you know in your life anymore. either you weren't good enough for them or they weren't good enough for you.
no one has the same problems. no one understands each other. what's the use even if they do. instead of talking, you choose to drink together, but how much.
right at the point when you thought you had given up all your bad habits, you find yourself in worse habits before you even had time to rejoice. the same music plays over and over again. you don't want to hear any new melodies.
your phone is deaf-mute now. you didn't want those who were looking for you. and the ones you wanted didn't care for you.
the only person you answer the phone is a police officer who checks your probation situation every two months. every time he asks "do you stay away from trouble?", you say "yes" and lie.
disgusted from yourself or your life, you try to shorten your life by smoking endless cigarettes.
to silence the voices in your head there is no poison left that you did not pour on it. the mistakes of the past will happen in the future. you can see the tomorrow, maybe that was the curse, the only thing you can see clearly is desperations, the rest is blurred.
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you never had a plan, or you didn't want to. you still don't know if you're losing because you can't play or because you don't want to.
you waited all winter for the spring, and when the days begin to lengthen, you close all the curtains and become even more tense. are you runing away from the sun or the people? maybe from yourself, away from the sight of the observer, you act as if you don't exist. you try to get into the box like a schordinger's cat and disappear.
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you no longer have dreams, you're alone, it's better. you sit in your room and wait for the days to pass. you are tense in the mornings and desperate at nights.
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