314. I feel like i am highly introverted. It is not about being shy or socially awkward. I just love my alone time activities more than other people. Last couple of years i tried to socialize a little more than usual. Although I have never had the need of socializing , I have accepted that not socializing is a disadvantage for me. I couldn’t even manage to handle a basic conversation with strangers. And as an adult it is just not acceptable. I find it still hard to get emotionally involved in a conversation. I just have that social face which i use to seem less awkward. But my social self is just not me. Real me can sit on the chair for 5 hours and look at the view and enjoy the flow of the wind and question my own existence and talk with bugs and give name to them. Make scenes about their life and even write them down. I am a boring person.

I don’t know if everyone do the same thing or not. I guess they don’t. Because interaction of other people seem so natural and effortlessly easy. But for me it is a job. I calculate every word that i say and every reaction on my face. I calculate even the potential answer of the other person and prepare second answer for that. Because most of the time people talk about the same things over and over again.

But i guess i made a huge progress. Because every time when i talk with someone new they tell me that it is interesting to talk to me. I just take their words, copy their energy and keep conversation going. But honestly i don’t even feel myself as a person in this conversation.