394. recently i have been seeing these type of videos on socials: "we are like the puzzle pieces of everyone we had in our lives" and i kinda got pissed at that thought. what do you mean i am a puzzle piece or leftover of someone else? you mean i am not authentic at all? i mean, take this, we don't get to decide how we look, our nation, family, even name. and now you're saying even my personality is a copy-paste of others?

after this i protested philosophers. and books too. i started to write my own things and tried to be my own philosopher. but well, guess what, everything that i have thought of had been thought before me by some other guy who lived some hundred centuries ago. that's when it hit me.

we all are copies of them. but every copy gets better in a way, think of it like a newly loaded printer maybe? at first the color is not that legible and after some copies it enhances and vividly seen. of course, we are not photo copies (cooperate life stained the hemingway inside me and i am not even in cooperate) but you got what i mean.

i questioned this about my adult skills too. well, i basically don't have them. i have no idea how to function in adult life and it feels like all i do is pretending like an adult. it's like i am stuck in a teenager brain but i have to move through life with an adult body which ages and naturally needs to adapt to get by. did i mention how much i hate small talk and fake smiling? it's not like i am arrogant and hate everyone, it's just they are not my people and i would like to not to talk to them but that would mean isolating myself and getting kicked out so let's not do that, i wouldn't like to starve.

anyways, this pretending tires me more than the work itself. in a 24 hour day i feel like myself for couple hours or not, if i knew i was so good at this i would attend acting school. i wonder when the automatic adult mode will be unlocked. maybe when my prefrontal cortex finally develops?