IF YOU GREW up thinking sex was as simple as sticking your D in, pumping a few times, and miraculously bringing both you and your partner to orgasm in a matter of seconds, we’re here to tell you: You’re wrong. But also, it’s not totally your fault. Many men primarily learn about sex from porn, says Rufus Spann, PhD, a sex therapist and founder of Libido Health, which tends to skimp on foreplay, or skip over it entirely.
But foreplay is important because it prepares people mentally, emotionally, and physically for the main sexual experience, he explains. On a physical level, foreplay usually causes increased blood flow to the penis, resulting in an erection. It also increases blood flow to the vagina, and especially the clitoris, increasing pleasure, lubrication, and sensitivity.
Meanwhile, on a mental level, foreplay gets the brain all excited, releasing feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. And, on the all-important emotional level, it allows you and your partner to build up a sense of connection and intimacy, says Spann. Now, it’s important to note that the word “foreplay” is actually kind of a misnomer, because it implies whatever comes next—if anything—is somehow better.
Essentially, you should think of foreplay as less of a “before” activity, and more of an integral addition to mind-blowing hookups, no matter the type of sex you’re having. After all, for many women and people with vulvas, foreplay is actually the main event. Only 18 percent of women can orgasm from intercourse alone, per a 2018 study.
For nearly 37 percent of women, clitoral stimulation is necessary to climax during sex, and another 36 percent say that, while clit stimulation might not be necessary, their orgasms feel better when it’s part of the process. And you know what stimulates the clitoris? The sexual acts that typically fall under the “foreplay” category, like fingering and oral sex.
In fact, they’re part of what’s called the “golden quartet of orgasm,” a.k.a. four sexual behaviors that are the strongest predictors of women’s orgasms. The biggest predictor was manual stimulation of genitals, a.k.a. fingering, followed by using a sex toy, then receiving oral sex, and finally, deep kissing. Notice how P-in-V penetration didn’t make the cut?
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