Ethical nonmonogamy relies on a foundation of total transparency. Partners openly agree to terms and continually negotiate them together. Betrayals such as infidelity can take many shapes and break the agreement a couple has made, monogamous or not.
For people in recovery, however, the adrenaline of secret keeping can feel familiar. Clinicians call this behavioral, or process, addiction—in which compulsion lies in the thrill of the chase rather than the payoff. It doesn’t excuse betrayal, but it can help explain how a person committed to honesty ends up living a lie.
For this installment of the Secret Lives of Men, we spoke to Owen,* a 36-year-old brand strategist with 13 years of sobriety who spent most of the first two years of his relationship cheating on the partner he plans to marry. His story begs the question: What does it mean to carry out “living amends,” an Alcoholics Anonymous term for permanently changing your behavior for the better, when you aren’t ready to confess? *Names and identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity. Once a week, my fiancée has a therapy session over a video call that she takes from our bedroom.
We both work from home, so while that happens, I’m usually barricaded in my office with noise-canceling headphones on, keeping up with work. Recently, I came out to the kitchen to pour a coffee after her hour was up, and she wasn’t home. She takes walks, so there was no reason to panic.
But my mind went where it has gone a lot lately: She found out. By whatever cruel trick of fate, she knew, and she was out there walking it off, letting the anger curdle. When she came back, she would bring hell with her.
For half an hour, I paced the apartment unable to get a single thing done. I checked my phone every few seconds. I rehearsed what I’d say when she walked through the door: which parts I’d confess, which parts I’d still try to save.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
