When people talk about the chaotic joy of the newborn bubble, they're typically not describing my experience, which was filled with mania, delusions, euphoria, paranoia and significant hallucinations. You see, within days of my son's birth in April 2025, I rapidly lost touch with reality as postpartum psychosis took hold. It's important to revisit the events leading up to my son's delivery to understand why.
While my pregnancy was great overall, I believe there were three traumatic events that played a role in the decline of my mental health. At my 39-week appointment, a doctor performed a membrane sweep without asking for my consent. At the time, I remember feeling violated and wanting to dissociate.
When my son was born, I labored for 30 hours without sleeping and experienced a postpartum hemorrhage that made me believe I was going to die. Later, my son's pediatrician continued with a breastfeeding intervention even after I expressed pain and asked for it to stop. As a new mom, these experiences made it hard for me to trust doctors and nurses.
Those first few days after I gave birth are kind of a blur. I was recovering physically and trying to figure everything out, but I wasn't sleeping. At best, I got about one to two hours of sleep at night.
Strangely, I didn't feel tired. I had all this energy and was practically euphoric. At first, I wondered if that was what being a new mom should feel like.
I presumed this was what people meant when they spoke of "newborn bliss," but then I deteriorated incredibly fast. My thoughts raced, and my mood could shift from euphoria to severe anxiety and panic within minutes. I had vivid nightmares and increasing paranoia.
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