The new contestants of this year’s Great British Bake Off don’t know how lucky they are. Usually when a new intake arrives, all eyes are on them. After all, this is a show with such a long and storied history that its audience is primed for the slightest culinary mistake.
But this time around the contestants will enjoy a temporary reprieve, because this is the year when Bake Off becomes The Nigella Show, and everyone will be so busy going moon-eyed over its glamorous new judge that they’ll barely even give the bakers a second look. Nevertheless, as is tradition, Channel 4 has just sent out its contestant biographies. Using them, and no other quantifiable data, let’s rank their chances of success from worst to best, just for the hell of it.
Things aren’t looking great for Clara. A Portuguese “fantasy girlie”, it is said that her signature style is “chaotically beautiful”. As everybody knows, this is code for “Clara is not detail oriented”.
What’s more, her official show biography states that she believes “the first bite of a bake is always with the eyes”. However, the first bite of anything is with the mouth. Eyes, by their very nature, cannot bite things.
This failure to understand basic anatomy will almost certainly be her undoing. Again, everything about Mo sounds like a whopping great red flag. In his contestant questionnaire he professes to not owning any cookbooks, calls himself “chaotic and random”, declares that he enjoys “winging it” and admits that he has never really watched The Great British Bake Off before.
Worst of all, though, his description of Lawson is: “I remember my mum loved watching her growing up.” Being disorganised is one thing. Not watching Bake Off is one thing. But referring to Nigella Lawson in the past tense, as something only enjoyed by elderly people?
Extract — continue reading at the source.
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