You’ve talked to a cute barista at your favorite coffee shop for months, but you only see her when she’s working. You’ve become good buddies with a guy at work, but you’ve never hung out with him outside the office. You really enjoy chatting with a dude at church, but you’ve never moved beyond making small talk on Sundays.
A lot of men bemoan the less-than-robust nature of their romantic and social lives, but the truth is, they haven’t done much to change them. These men are reactive instead of proactive, hoping that someone else will make the first move instead. Yet other people are in the very same passive mindset.
Thus, nobody gets together with anybody! If you want to make progress in your social life, it’s up to you to break this stalemate by taking the initiative yourself. You do that by inviting people you want to get to know better to do things — to go on a date or hang out.
Of course, the reason the majority of people don’t take the initiative is that doing so is risky — you worry your invitations will come out weird and that your friendly entreaties will be rejected. Fortunately, it’s easy to make invitations in ways that significantly reduce any potential awkwardness, and greatly increase their chances of being accepted. Just follow these tips Alan Garner lays out in _Conversationally Speaking_: **Keep a dual perspective****.** Don’t assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something _you_ think is fun.
Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you _both_ enjoy. By maintaining this “dual perspective,” you’ll be more likely to get a yes. **Be specific and direct****.** How many times do you run into an acquaintance and the conversation ends with this exchange: “We should hang out sometime,” followed by their response, “Yeah definitely.” Of course, neither one of you sees the other until you randomly run into each other again, only to repeat your vague intentions of getting together “sometime.” Instead of making hazy, indefinite invitations, be specific and direct. Ask someone if they want to do X activity, at X place, on X day, at X time.
Ask a yes or no question, and get a yes or no answer. **Don’t ask: “Are you doing anything Saturday night?”** Garner explains why: > Many people (and I am one) feel embarrassed at responding, ‘No I’m not doing anything at all.’ And having said that, some feel resentful at being put into the position of having to either agree to the proposal, offer another, or say in effect that they’d rather do nothing than be with you. **Start small.** People are more likely to say yes to an invitation that requires a minimal commitment. So instead of inviting someone to an elaborate, multi-hour affair, propose meeting up at the gym for a workout or for drinks after work. On the romantic front, instead of asking someone out to dinner, ask if she’ll join you for coffee.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
