How to say 'no' to your child—and stick to it

This article has been reviewed according to Science X's editorial process and policies. Editors have highlighted the following attributes while ensuring the content's credibility: "No" may be one of the hardest words for parents to say to a young child. Many parents dread the tears, arguments or tantrums that can follow when a toddler or preschooler is denied something they want.

But what if being upset is not a sign something has gone wrong? Big feelings are part of life and part of growing up. Developmental psychology and neuroscience research suggests saying "no" to children helps them experience reasonable limits and boundaries.

Experiencing a "no" is an important part of how children learn to regulate emotions, cope with frustration and build resilience. Children begin learning how to manage their emotions from infancy. The emotional regulation skills they develop during the toddler years and beyond can have a lasting influence on how they cope with challenges, build relationships and succeed at school.

Emotional regulation is not the ability to avoid difficult feelings. It is the ability to experience emotions, understand them and gradually learn how to manage them. Children develop these skills through repeated experiences of disappointment, frustration, excitement and waiting, with the support of trusted adults.

So the challenge for parents is not to avoid "no"; it's to help children learn how to navigate it. Research shows certain parenting approaches can help children develop the ability to manage their attention, behavior and emotions. This involves experiencing reasonable limits—or the word "no." For example, "No, you can't eat the whole container of crackers." Or "No, you can't climb on the car." Rather than protecting children from every difficult feeling, parents guide children through frustration and help them learn setbacks, disappointment and delayed gratification are manageable parts of life.

Some parenting styles (such as permissive parenting) combine warmth and responsiveness with a lack of clear boundaries. Children are given significant freedom, with few expectations or limits placed on their behavior. While this style is well-intentioned, studies suggest it may be associated with higher levels of behavioral problems and anxiety in children.