Sue Ryan had been her husband’s sole caregiver for just under five years before her facade of keeping it all together first began to crack. It was a long time coming. She’d spent countless nights up late correcting mistakes in the household finances—a task her husband had handled before Alzheimer’s disease made it difficult.
She no longer went to the gym, or on walks, or to her own medical appointments. She waved away every offer of help with some version of No, no, I’ve got this. So when Ryan watched the potato chip fall from her husband’s lunch plate, she felt a flash of anger: I’ve been doing all these things for you.
You can’t even keep a potato chip on your plate? She gave him more chips, told him, “Honey, I’ll be right back,” and retreated to the bathroom, where she sat down and began to shake. Caregiver stress can have serious consequences for physical and mental health.
It’s associated with anxiety, depression, sleep problems, mood disorders, and burnout, says Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, a stress expert and lecturer in the division of global health and social medicine at Harvard Medical School. But how can you tell when caregiving is starting to take a toll on your health—and what can you do?
The clearest warning sign isn’t one terrible day or week—it’s a pattern. Are you regularly struggling to fall asleep, barely eating (or wolfing down five doughnuts a day), snapping at people you love, or unable to focus on the novels you once loved? Maybe you’ve stopped calling friends because you don’t have the bandwidth for chit-chat.
What matters is whether these changes have become “consistent and persistent,” says Diane Mariani, a licensed clinical social worker and director of Caring for Caregivers at Rush University Medical Center. Your friends and family members might notice them first. If they tell you that you don’t seem like yourself, resist the automatic “I’m fine” and seriously consider what they’re seeing.
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