I Had a Prison Pen Pal in College. He Changed How I Interacted With Men

In 1990, I was on my back, trying to get my grip right for a bench press. It was the first weight training class I'd ever taken, and I felt shy around the equipment and the stronger, more experienced students. The instructor, a graduate student I'd seen in classes but never met, stood at the base of the bench, directly in my sightline, between my legs.

"Maybe," I said, moving to pull my legs together, to quit what I was supposed to be doing. Someone called him away, but after that, he found reasons to hover over me in class, commenting on my body. "I'll give a private session, no charge." I started wearing baggier sweatpants and my brother's old T-shirts and often considered skipping class.

Every day, he'd stand above me, comfortable in his position of authority, while his comments turned to variations of: "We should go out." I'd reply with increasingly direct responses. Finally: "Stop asking me. It's inappropriate." An acquaintance in the class looked at me with wide eyes and said, "That was ballsy.

I hope you pass this class." I hadn’t always been so comfortable saying no to men. Back then, there were no TikTok videos describing misogyny or what male entitlement was or how to deal with it. I'd grown up watching blockbuster romantic comedies like Say Anything and The Sure Thing, where the entire plot of the movie was the woman saying no and the man persisting.

I absorbed the behavior as a kind of perfectly fine mating dance, where everyone lives happily ever after. I believed that tenacity wasn't disrespect; it was a sexy chase. I had experienced this behavior in college, people reacting to the word "no" as if it meant "try harder" or, like with the Magic 8 Ball toy, upon shaking it up, "ask again later." I found this attention enticing at first blush but soon found it irritating, even as I smiled awkwardly and hoped they'd go away.

So where had I learned that no means no? That saying it can lead to peace and quiet, knowing you've communicated a boundary? I learned it from a man in prison.