Somatic therapy completely changed how I parent–and how I see my childhood I grew up knowing I was loved. But it wasn’t until I became a mother that I realized love and emotional safety aren’t always the same thing. _Welcome to Motherly’s new series, Can I Be Honest?, where moms share the fears, fails and triumphs we’re afraid to post in the group chat. Because being a mom is hard work, but it’s a lot easier when we can talk about it._ Growing up, I felt abundantly loved.
My dad, ever exuberant, would drop me off at school, wait until I’d walked 25 feet from the car, then roll down his window and yell out that he loved me, for everyone to hear. When I became a mom, I felt that same effusive love the moment I held my daughter to my chest. I couldn’t stop kissing her, snuggling her, telling her I loved her.
She didn’t fuss for long, and we had a strong connection from the start. I could look into her eyes and know exactly what she was thinking. The behaviors were nothing out of the ordinary—just a toddler throwing a tantrum or clinging to me.
Except I didn’t know this was normal, so I became hypercritical and controlling, which dysregulated her even more. When my daughter was three, my dad came to visit while she was sick. She was tender and mommy-centric.
He made comments about how she was rejecting him, criticized how emotional she was being, and expressed disappointment she was still acting like she was in her terrible twos. At first, I felt shame and embarrassment. I wanted to mold her into the grandchild who’d make my dad happy and proud, just like I had been.
But as I wrote about it in my journal, something else surfaced. Something I’d buried and ignored for most of my life. > When I was younger, if I got mad or upset, my dad would roll his eyes and tell me he didn’t want to be near me if I was going to “act that way.” He’d threaten me for crying while shutting the door to my room. As those memories came up, I let myself feel the discomfort instead of pushing it away.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
