Your partner is your person, your safe place, your rock — so when they betray you unexpectedly, it can feel like the ground split open beneath you, and there’s no more safety net. Maybe you’re not sure what to do next. Maybe you’re thinking of ending things, or you want to try and work on it first.
Whatever happened and wherever you are, there are certain steps couples take after a betrayal that relationship experts say predict whether or not they’ll move forward together or fall apart. For starters, a betrayal doesn’t just mean someone cheated. Any breach of trust can feel like betrayal, says Blythe Landry, MS, licensed clinical social worker, author of Trauma Intelligence, and founder of Grief to Purpose.
Quitting a job without letting your partner know, buying a car or adopting a pet without discussing it first, or parenting in a way your partner is opposed to behind their back — these are all betrayals. So too are having affairs and endangering your kids, like drinking and driving with them in the car, Landry explains. Those first six months after a betrayal are when the pain is most acute, Landry says.
And following any type of betrayal, each partner is going to face their own unique hurdles. One of the biggest obstacles to healing is the fact that both parties will heal at a different rate. It can be very challenging to begin the process of healing when one feels ready to proceed while the other does not feel ready.” So, how do you begin to move forward at all?
Here’s what the experts advise. Instead of trying to immediately forgive and move on, couples who stick together put their energy toward being consistent with one another, says Koch Eckenrode. This is what rebuilds trust in the long run.
These things don’t happen in a vacuum. But for example, if someone is constantly criticized and they are afraid to tell the truth because [of it], they may be much more likely to do something that they don’t tell their partner about. So one very positive sign is if both parties can look at their accountability.” One partner may feel chronically unheard, rejected, or disrespected, which ultimately leads to a betrayal of some kind, Landry says.
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