Why making friends at university feels harder than it really is

This article has been reviewed according to Science X's editorial process and policies. Editors have highlighted the following attributes while ensuring the content's credibility: The summer before starting university can bring multiple worries for students: worrying about obtaining a place in a desired program, navigating the clearing process to confirm a place, securing housing, sorting out financial aid, preparing for academic study and even finding the right school supplies. Yet many students' biggest concern is social in nature:" will I make friends?" Surveys consistently suggest that loneliness and belonging are major concerns for new students starting university.

This challenge isn't unique to shy or socially anxious students. Most first-year students worry about fitting in and making connections when starting university, especially when others make it seem so easy. In my research with colleagues, I have found how poor we are at estimating others' beliefs, feelings and behavior.

We also overestimate how much other people notice our own behavior and social missteps. In social psychology, two related psychological biases can explain this pattern. First, the "spotlight effect" explains how we wrongly assume that other people are paying attention to our behavior.

Psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Kenneth Savitsky, who have studied this effect, say that people assume the "social spotlight" shines more brightly on themselves than it actually does. The other bias, the "illusion of transparency," explains how people wrongly assume that others can see our feelings, worries and thoughts. In essence, we think that our internal state leaks out socially, and we overestimate how harshly others will judge us as a result.

So, when an introduction to someone new feels awkward, we forget someone's name, run out of things to say or generally feel embarrassed after a conversation, our perception of these interactions likely doesn't match the other person's perception. That's assuming other people even paid much attention in the first place. For students starting university, this means many perceived social failures are largely invisible to others.

Evidence also suggests that people routinely underestimate how much they are liked after speaking with strangers. This is another psychological phenomenon: the "liking gap." We might think that other people like us less than they actually do (the actual liking gap), or we might like a conversation partner more than we think they like us back (a perceived liking gap). It can be difficult to know how well a conversation with a stranger has gone.