How to build trust by saying “I don’t know” 

our Twitter (X) feedView our Youtube channelView our Instagram feedView our Substack feedView our Spotify feed BusinessCommunicationCuriosityPsychological SafetyIntellectual Humility I’m 17, ankle-deep in a muddy pitch, and screaming at the referee. I should note that he is a fully grown adult and technically outranks me.This cotton-headed ninny muggins has waved play on when I’m certain — _certain_ — it was a foul, a hacking, and this incompetent fool is allowing murder in broad daylight. I’m giving him the full benefit of my opinion on his eyesight, his understanding of the rules, how his dog does not truly love him, and I’m questioning not only his character but that of his entire lineage.

I should have collected hundreds of yellow cards purely for talking back (I collected a healthy number as it is). But then, every so often in the middle of one of my blow-ups, a ref would do the one thing to completely defuse my tirade. He’d turn to me and say, “Yeah, messed that one up.” Anger immediately gone.

Frustration nowhere to be seen. I couldn’t stay mad at someone who’d just acknowledged and owned their fault. The admission of a mistake in one second achieved what none of my teammates pulling at my sleeves, coaches holding me back, or good sense could.

This is rare in the everyday world. How often, at home or at work, do you see the metaphorical hand raise “my bad”? You rarely hear a leader say “I don’t know,” or “that was my call, and I got it wrong.” We often reward a confident take, the person with the answer, the one who never flinches. (Here, we have yet to embrace the default posture of my adopted second home, Australia, to “take the piss,” which helps keep people humble).

So people climb the ladder by learning never to get caught not knowing the answer. There is something to learn from the humble refs I encountered (and tormented). Because every time someone stands up, on a real stage or a metaphorical one, and owns a miss, something magical happens.

They gain far more than they lose. Adam Grant, a leading organizational psychologist, believes it comes down to the fact that we link our opinions to our identity. I believe x, therefore I am x.