People-pleasing, perfectionism, and zero boundaries don’t just disappear in motherhood. Therapists explain how to unlearn it, and how to raise our daughters differently. I was raised to be a nice girl, the good girl.
The perfect storm of cultural conditioning, conservative Christian upbringing, and being the eldest daughter. Even as a child I was a people pleaser, trying to make sure those around me were happy (and happy with me). This especially took place in my home, where, as I grew older, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to avoid causing conflict and often staying quiet even when things were bothering me.
Adebisi Gbadamosi, licensed therapist and the founder of Mindful Blooms Counseling, says that often how good girls present in childhood, especially in school, is reflected in how they eventually function as adults. The quiet one who hardly spoke up. But I constantly felt like my efforts weren’t good enough and that I wasn’t good enough.
I grew into an adult who was uncomfortable with conflict and felt responsible for others' emotions. I suffered from low self-esteem, which didn’t help my plight to stand up for myself against mistreatment, even by people who were supposed to be my friends. Years of keeping my emotions and my opinions stuffed inside stifled my voice and also contributed to my struggles with my mental health.
And when I became a mom, it became even more challenging. Licensed marriage and family therapist Samantha Grimes sees these patterns pop up frequently in her female clients. Especially in moms, who are often so busy taking care of the needs of everyone in their households that they neglect their own.
And it is something that she has experienced as well. I also have a disabled child, and she has higher needs as well. I found myself taking care of my kids, taking care of my husband, all of this to the point of burnout.” Just like I was focused on doing everything in my life “the right way,” I also wanted to do motherhood the right way.
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