3. Hi, Thanks so much for helping me out with my pitch. I hope my notes are <a href="http://hrdnsui.com">hepflul</a> to you. Becoming a witch isn't what sixteen-year-old Hannah Slaughtery has in mind when she transfers to Piaculum Academy. [The way this is written, it implies she had something else in mind instead. I'm not clear if she didn't know that witches existed in the first place, or if she preferred a different vocation.] Neither IS fighting against monsters she doesn't believe in [If you tell me in the first sentence she doesn't believe in the magic stuff, here you can get more specific about what she doesn't believe in.] with strangers [her new classmates?] she's not even sure she likes. [This is vague]But when she attends a retreat at Piaculum Academy, she discovers she's part of the next generation of Partizans, a band of supernatural warriors dating back to the dawn of man. Hannah must decide how much of her humanity she's willing to sacrifice [Why does she have to sacrifice her humanity?] to stand against the Formorians, a ruthless and tyrannical empire of demons who have been wiping out the Partizan lines for generations in order to make way for their own ascension.Making things worse is the unexpected attraction to Finn, another Partizan, who seems to be going out of his way to make her uncomfortable [how?]. Still, if not for him, walking away would be easy.When Hannah spontaneously begins her metaphysical transformation, there's only one thing she knows for sure: the carefree days of her youth have come to a screeching halt.The Partizans, a YA paranormal is complete at 74,000 words and has series potential. First 150 Words:Hannah Slaughtery's courage faltered as the [delete imposing] iron gate creaked open. The late afternoon light filtered through the snow-topped pine trees as she steered her car through the high fence that separated the Piaculum Academy from the rest of the world. Inching forward [do cars inch forward? That seems slow.], something in the air caused [delete Hannah] a shiver to ripple down her spine. It was as if the wind was charged with [delete bursts of] electricity. [delete Like] something was not quite right, and yet, as she continued down the tranquil drive, she felt protected for the first time in her life.Up ahead was a security checkpoint with dark tinted windows manned by a guard with a military haircut and aviator sunglasses. As he opened the window, Hannah noticed the faint scent of coconut sunscreen, which struck her as odd. After all, it was mid-December. I love the scent of coconut in December line! I want to know more! I think you have a really great 150, though you could take out a few words.Good luck. Happy GUTGAA! -*
oxuyucu @20410
02.06.2015 mesaj izlə Googlla